Sunday, July 24, 2011

Homesick

Have you ever been homesick? I mean really homesick where you actually feel it in your body, as well as in your thoughts and emotions? It's one of the worse feelings one can have.

When I was 9 years old, I kept having incessant nosebleeds that would come from being jarred, running too much, eating certain foods, being overheated  etc..., and when the bleeding started, it would continue for quite a while, usually no less than a half hour and as long as an hour. This would happen several times per week and though I saw a doctor about this, there wasn't anything he could do. Then one evening, the worse bleeding I ever had began. I don't remember what brought it on, but this time I was bleeding from both nostrils and no matter what my mother did it would not stop. By the time the second hour of bleeding arrived, the ambulance was called and I was taken to the hospital.

I don't remember much of my arrival, but I do remember my mother standing next to the gurney, and I heard the nurse saying something about giving me something to relax me...then I was out like a light.

When I woke up the next morning, I realized I wasn't home anymore. I was in a strange bed, between two other beds that were occupied by two men I didn't know. In time, these two patients left and I found myself alone and scared to death. A nurse came in and asked how I felt. Then she told me the doctor was going to see me soon and with that, she just left. When the door shut behind her, the tears started. 


I sobbed. I was alone, scared, in a place I did not belong or want to be in and there was nothing I could do. I remember trying to stifle my sobs so no one would hear me and in doing so, I found myself gulping air, trying to breathe. Then I did the only thing I could think of. I prayed the rosary. I had to use my fingers as the beads since I didn't have one with me. My own rosary was hanging on my bedpost at home...waiting for me. This was perhaps the most fervent prayer I had ever prayed. Through all the Hail Mary's,  I asked her to take me home...please My Lady...take me home!! Over and over I prayed, sobbing...asking. I finally got to the end of my prayers and had collected myself a bit when the door opened and a nurse came in with a basin to wash me. 


She was gentle,and very kind. Always smiling. I'm sure she noticed I had cried a lot, but she didn't mention it. As soon as she was done, the doctor came in and checked me out and announced that my mother was on her way to take me home...home. My prayers were answered. My Lady had arranged everything.


Today, I am again homesick. I'm homesick for a place I've never been. Heaven. Again I find myself in a place I do not want to be living in, nor in a place that I belong. I am a stranger in a strange land. I feel I am living at the wrong time in history, a time where compassion no longer exists. I no longer recognize my country, the society I am forced to live in and at times, I do not even recognize my Church for all that is happening within Her. My soul sobs from this homesickness and it is deeply painful. I just want to go home. Can anyone understand that? I hope My Lady does...

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