As a child, I had a recurring dream. In my dream, I would find myself ready for school and waiting by the front door until I could see the school bus in the distance. As soon as I saw the bus, I would kiss my mother good bye and head out the door. Then the dream would shift. At this point in the dream, I could see the bus at the bus stop, door open and waiting for me to enter but I was still far off, and it seemed that every time I took a step towards the bus, I would trip and fall and find myself back at the front door and having to start all over, or I would find that I had forgotten to put on my pants, and would have to go back to the house, redress and set out again. At other times, I would be running as fast as I could as the bus was pulling away, never quite reaching it. This dream continued over and over until finally, I would wake up with a start and very upset.
It was at Mass last night that I finally saw how closely my dream reflected my personal life as it pertains to my faith, that no matter how ready I try to be, I can never seem to reach my goal of living a holy and grace filled life. As soon as I take one step forward, I trip and fall and I find myself at the the beginning again. At other times, I finally get to step on the 'bus' only to realize I have something against a brother...and I have to step off and start all over again...always running, always pursuing, never quite arriving. But, as in my dream, I don't stop running after the 'bus'. I never quit and give up. Oh...I want to sometimes with the seeming futility of it all, but I have not given up on my goal. I just want the bus driver to perhaps slow down a bit...and let me catch up.
Did I ever make it and take a seat on the bus in my dreams? I don't know. That's the million dollar question. The dream just seemed to fade as I got older. I don't seem to be having that dream anymore...I just feel like I'm living it.