Sunday, April 14, 2013

Want To Be A Liberal? Learn The Lingo

Now I know some of you may be closet liberals and really want to come out and live life as your true selves yet you don't know how to project yourselves so you sound convincing to others that have already liberated themselves. Don't worry. With a little practice and an expansion of your vocabulary to include certain liberal "isms" you too can pretend to sound as if you care about others more than those rascally conservatives. The good thing is, you don't have to try hard at all.You don't even have to like people. The trick is to sound as if you do care when you really don't. It's all in the speech. An array of different colored ribbons to wear on your lapel wouldn't hurt either and they will probably make you a shoe in. So are you ready for your new bad self? Alrighty! Get crackin'!

Diversity-   Doesn't matter if it concerns vegetable matter, animals or people. When you use this word liberally hahaha, sorry no pun intended, it makes you appear open-minded and that you are willing to include everything and anything into your little circle of life. Of course you don't really have to include anyone or anything into your life. Just say diversity often enough and this word alone will convince many. Christians are automatically expelled as a diverse group so don't worry about people misunderstanding your use of diversity.

Go Green - It no longer means a color only but includes an array of pagan religious beliefs that shows you care about Mother Gaia more than that Neanderthalic imbecile next door who insists on polluting your own backyard with the noxious smoke from his bbq while searing the meat from an unfortunate animal that suffered needlessly to satisfy his savage appetite for flesh. It also will include you in that prestigious company of U.N. climatologists that almost convinced the world that global warming and the world's destruction was at hand; that is until a denier hacked into their computer files and exposed the lies and unscientific methods they used to come up with falsified data. I know it sounds unethical, but we're talking man-made global warming here! Drastic measures have to be used at times, even lying to convince some people of the truth!

Victim - Remember. EVERYONE is a victim whether they know it or not. Use this word often also. No one likes to hear of someone being a victim and you win the sympathy of many with this one. Once in a while you may come up against someone who insist he or she is not a victim of anything, but with a little elbow grease and research you will most likely find a connection between your intended victim and Big Oil or Big Pharma. That makes them a victim whether they like to admit it or not. You win. They lose. You have your victim.

Hero - This word was used in yesteryear to described an ordinary person performing an extraordinary act of bravery at the risk of his or her own life for the sake of another life. No more. Why should the word hero be designated only to a certain few individuals that are special? Everyone is special today so everyone can share the claim of hero. When you visit your bakery, call your baker a hero for providing the staff of life. He'll feel good about himself. That's the goal. To feel good about yourself. See that lineman climbing the phone pole? Call him a hero too for making it possible for people to communicate with each other worldwide, creating a smaller and more loving world. He'll probably tighten the connection on your wires with an extra twist. Don't however, call anyone connected with Big Oil or Big Pharma a hero, or a rich person for that matter. You run the risk of exposing yourself as a fake liberal. That! you don't want to do. The goal here is to pretend to your liberal friends that you have not slipped over to the dark side.

Closure - This is always a good one to use. It gives you the cover that you are a profound thinker that received his wisdom in Tibet from some 500 year old hermit. Use closure in this manner:

Victim: "I can't believe how no one cares about separating their trash to save the earth! I mean come on!"
You:     "I understand (nod a lot) but not all people are as enlightened as we are. Give them time. Patience is
             is key here my friend."
Victim: " I know, but how can I live like this knowing we are about to die while my wife put that Pepsi can
              in with the newspapers?? She just doesn't care. I'm getting a divorce.
You:       "Wise decision and then find some counseling that will help you find the peace and the closure
                that you so richly deserve."

Got that? Good. Practice makes perfect.

The Extremist - Oh baby. This word will make you the sweetheart of the ball.  You know the person that annoys you to no end? Just call him an extremist. You don't have to say why he is an extremist or of what, just say it, and make sure you call him that in front of other liberals. This is important. For added measure, use the full term of Extreme Right Winger and watch your annoying little man being shunned by the others in quick order. Goal? Getting rid of that annoying little man. Done

Hateful - This is a good word to use in a debate that you are quickly losing. Pick the right moment and when the person disagrees with your position again call them hateful for not being sensitive. Watch them cower in the corner. Call them an hateful extremist and chances are they'll fall and curl up in a fetal position sucking their thumb. You win the debate. See how easy it is especially when you use your imagination and combine two liberal "isms"?

Judgmental - Another one of those "isms" that will stop a debater dead in his tracks. It won't matter if the other person is right of course, your goal here is to win the argument and destroy your debater in the process. This word is ESPECIALLY  effective on Catholics. (see below)

Catholic - This is especially a good name to call someone at a dull and boring party. Mingle around, see if you recognize someone that is Catholic and call him out. Say something like "Hey Dave! Aren't you a Catholic?" Chances are he will admit he's Catholic, especially if he is a practicing Catholic and watch the party explode in laughter. The ridicule and one liners towards the Catholic will liven up a party toot sweet. Again, you'll be the sweetheart of the ball.

These few liberal "isms" will get you started on your road to liberation. Once you're known as a liberal and your friends invite you over more often, just listen as they talk and you'll pick up a few more isms. It's easy and training in ethics nor superior intelligence is required. You just seem that way to your new friends. 


  1. I don't know how old you are, but I remember in the late 1970's, the big ecological scare was global cooling. Sprinkling the polar ice caps with carbon black to draw in more solar heat was suggested.

    I'm not making this up! There was even a cover picture on TIME showing a penguin with the caption, "Are you ready for the coming Ice Age?" or something similar.

    And remember in the 1990's when Al Gore was concerned about the hole in the ozone layer? He says nothing about that today.

  2. Hahaha. Well done! Sad but true but funny and yet sad. Some of the most closed minded discussions I've ever heard have been in groups of poepleike this.

  3. Jack :) I'm older than dirt so I know exactly what you are saying!

    Chris, it is sad but this has been a pet peeve of mine for years: the redefinition of words by liberals as it is now with redefining marriage to suit their purpose. I refuse to allow liberals to frame the issue as they see fit and we have to defend ourselves. When we frame an issue in an honest way a liberal cannot defend themselves at all.


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